Failed Web Series Ideas: Volume I

As major media outlets pay closer and closer attention to the internet, many are soliciting proposals for how to best utilize new media. The “Failed Web Series” series consists of some of the most seriously considered, but ultimately failed, projects.  These came to the author by way of the back channels of the internet from places such as Viacom, Disney, Fox, etc..  What follows has NOT been altered in any way…

Title: “Thor!”

Tagline: Thor Johnson is dog’s NEW best friend.

Premise: Thor Johnson, a flamboyant licensed dog groomer in the chic and stylish Chelsea neighborhood in Manhattan, has an epiphany one day while walking Scotch Pudding, his Japanese Chin: Dogs are lonely… and horny, even when they don’t have their balls.  Thor wants to open a new kind of dog grooming parlor.  One where dogs are given the five star treatment and, yes, where they might even meet that special dog they want to spend the rest of their dog years with.  Because, hey, dogs are people, too…

Script Excerpt:

INT. DOGGY GROOMING PARLOR

THOR Johnson is standing behind a doggy barber chair with a blow dryer. Seated on the chair is VANILLA, a four-year-old white Yorkie.

THOR
So I said to her, I don’t care if you’re Trouble Helmsley, everyone needs an appointment!!

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
I KNOW, she’s such a bitch… well, in more than one way- HEEEEYYYY GGGGIIIIRRRLLLLL!

Thor holds his palm out, and Vanilla high fives it.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Okay, okay, no more puns, I promise- Anyway, let’s talk about you and that dreamy English Mastiff you were out with the other night…

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Just friends? Chica, I saw what was going on. Let’s put it this way: if I was sniffing someone’s ass like that we’d be eating brunch in bed at 2:30 the next afternoon! HEEEEYYY GGGGGIIIIRRRRRLLLL!

Thor and Vanilla high five again.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
Of course he’s interested! (points Vanilla at the mirror) Look at you. You’re fab-tastic! Baby, if I were 25 years younger, and a straight male dog, I’d be humping that tiny little rump all over the dog run.

VANILLA
Bark! Bark!

THOR
What? You need to go out? Okay, let’s go. We don’t want any poopies on Thor’s chair.

Thor straps a leash to Vanilla and they exit to the street.

Reason studio ultimately passed:

(excerpted from internal studio memo) …while the script is very strong and the premise is interesting, we find the character of Thor to be nothing revelatory.  Tom Hanks did it in “Turner and Hooch“, Jim Belushi did it in “K-9“, and so on.  Personally, I would like to see this reworked with a larger focus on the character of Vanilla- her lines just seemed to just pop off the page.  Is there anyway we can get the rights to this show for a modest fee and develop it in-house?

Future of the project: At the moment, ABC Family Channel is developing a web following for Vanilla.  If successful, the next phase is a network pilot for Fall 2011.

The Redundancy of Time by Andrew Emerson Rehm (Age 1)

The Redundancy of Time

by Andrew Emerson Rehm (Age One)

I’m not quite sure what the deal is but these two people keep looking at me.  Watching me.  Sometimes other people look at me too.  Everyone’s always, I don’t know, leering.  It’s just seems rude. I don’t know, if I was them I’d- TREE!  THERE’S A TREE! I JUST SAW A TREE-  learn some manners.  But that’s just me. Comme ci comme ça.

Where was I?  Ah the beginning.  I find myself at a crossroads.  Metaphorically of course.  Perhaps ‘turning point’ is more appropo.  I find myself at a turning point.  Regardless, my food nozzle (not the fleshy one) is being taken away from me.  The reasoning seems almost arbitrary.  I like the food nozzle.  The food nozzle has always been good to me.  Why is everyone making up my mind for me?  Isn’t this America?  Don’t we all deserve the same basic human rights?  Life, liberty and the pursuit of food nozzles (both fleshy and un-fleshy)?  Things are confusing.  They don’t tell you that at 3 months, but this world is confusing.  I mean, I’m this many years old now and I should be treated that way.  Thanks for the cake and everything but don’t pull your punches.  This world is a hard.  It’s harsh out there but- OOAAAAHHHH.  HAS ANY ONE EVER FELT THIS BEFORE?  SERIOUSLY SOMEONE TOUCH THIS BLANKET.  I THINK THIS BLANKET FEELS GOOD.  THIS BLANKET IS A GOOD THING- you gotta know that before you grow up.  I didn’t get to be this many years old with stars in my eyes, ya know?  I’m a realist.  Always will be.

They’re looking at me again.  Always clapping.  Always waving.  Put your hands down idiots, I can see you.  You don’t have to wave at me like I’m leaving on a cruise.  I mean, the idiots aren’t all bad.  They’re all right, I guess.  They provide the food nozzles.  They brought me Winston Churchill II and The Greater Gatsby (my sock monkey and stuffed elephant, respectively).  They keep those tiny dragons (i.e. canines) away from my precious face.  Maybe they aren’t all that…  

Full disclosure, I just fell asleep for two hours.

Where was I?  I really should outline these things.  And there you go.  You’re rambling again Andrew.  And now you’re referencing yourself.  What’s more trite than a self-aware author?  Keep to the point.  This isn’t the New Yorker.  Speaking of the New Yorker, did any of you read that amazing article on Clint Eastwood in the March 6th issue.  I gained a lot of respect for the guy.  Call me an east coast elitist but- IF YOU PRESS THAT RED THING IT PLAYS MUSIC.  THE RED BUTTON PLAYS MUSIC.  MOM.  DAD.  THAT BUTTON PLAYS MUSIC AND IT SOUNDS NICE.  IT SOUNDS SO NICE WHEN YOU PRESS IT- the guy never really impressed me.  I’m gonna give him a second chance.  But I digress.

I’m trying to get to something here and I’m not sure how to articulate it.  It sounds cliché, but what are we really doing here?  In all my year on Earth, no one has been able to explain away the burden of time.  We’re chasing our own tails, are we not?  I feel like at birth I was forced to start falling and with each passing moment I’m closer to the rocks below.  Is there nothing but falling?  Are our minds static whilst trying to understand our descent?  Shall we just attempt to come to terms with it?  Hasn’t man been fighting with this question for over this many centuries?  What are we fighting, if not our own hatred of time?  Can we exist with out time?  Can time exist with out us?  It was either Sartre or DJ Lance who said…

Full disclosure, I just slept an entire night.  Full disclosure, I also defecated myself.

TV Pilot (Title to Come): Part 1 

INT. JEWELRY STORE - AFTERNOON

Chicago. 1931.

(CHARLENE, a petite blonde in a tight pencil skirt and fitted black swing jacket, walks slowly in front of a glass case filled with jewels, her head down. She runs her index finger along the edge of the display, the center of her nails painted a dark shade of pink, the half-moon and tips a crisp white - each one filed to perfection. She taps on the glass, then lifts her head slowly and, with a small smile, catches the attention of one of the Clerks. The CLERK excuses himself from his conversation with his co-worker and a customer, ANDREW, and walks towards CHARLENE, self-consciously fiddling with the second button of his jacket. She is pretty.)

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Discussions on Climate Change

Between two penguins:

Clyde: “I’ve noticed some things are different than they used to be.”

Brad: “I’ve noticed that too. Yesterday I had a delicious fish. And today I have no fish.“

Clyde: “While this is true, I was talking about changes around us. For instance, it’s warmer than it has been previously.”

Brad: “Oh how wonderful!”

Clyde: “I must agree with you. It is wonderful.”

Brad: “When the weather is cold I get sad.“

Clyde: “Yes, I as well.”

Brad: “Also the wind can be cold. And that too makes me sad.”

Clyde: “Right again. Another change I have noticed is the water getting closer to us.“

Brad: “Oh how glorious!”

Clyde: “Yes.”

Brad: “Perhaps it’s trying to get us to swim and play in it.”

Clyde: “My thoughts as well. Though I find it strange that until recently it took no interest whether we swam in it or not.”

Brad: “Perhaps it is coming around.”

Clyde: “Yes perhaps …”

Clyde: “I wonder, though, could it one day make us sad that the cold things are no longer cold and the water is trying so hard to get us to swim in it?”

Brad: “That is absurd since these outcomes are good for us right now.”

Clyde: “You are right. When my egg turns into a baby, it will be happy by these great new developments.”

Click through for discussions between two oil men, two world leaders, & two glaciers!

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Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day

Believe it or not, Michael Cera’s perpetual lament is what makes the world go round. In 2004, CERN began work on the Large Hadron Collider, a device which millions of people think will cause our imminent doom. That very year, Arrested Development premiered on FOX, introducing the world to our frumpy-boy-wonder whose endless discontent will save our globe from kismet.

Coincidence? Probably.

I still say do your part as an Earth-loving-human and keep our precious planet revolving around the sun. Here are some Easy Things You Can Do to Make Michael Cera Cry This Valentine’s Day:

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The Celibacy Quiz

Does the thought of a hot and steamy romance terrify you? Isolation and solitude is what really gets your engine turning? You might be celibate. Take this quiz and find out if flying solo is your flight pattern.

1. When was the last time you were intimate with someone?

a) I’m being intimate with someone right now while taking this quiz.
b) Last Y2K.
c) Does a doctor’s visit count?

2. If you could have any job in the world, you’d be a  _______?

a) Porn Star.
b) Sexy Scientist.
c) Nun.

3. Who is your dream crush?

a) The older Jonas Brother – Tall, dreamy and he can sing!
b) George Clooney – Talented, sexy and charisma to boot.
c) Sir Isaac Newton – I admire his monastic discipline in his obsessive pursuit for scientific truths.

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Two Words in Helvetica #1

Saying Goodbye to a Stranger

Have you ever said goodbye to a stranger? I have. And I don’t mean someone you’ve just met and had a conversation with or even someone close to you at whom you’ve screamed “It’s like I don’t even know you!” after discovering something unsavory about them (secret past, two sets of genitalia, etc.)

I mean a complete stranger.

It was on the uptown A train, evening time, maybe 5:30, on a Saturday, the first day of April, a few years ago. I was sitting near the middle of the car, drinking an iced coffee, listening to my iPod (either the Cure or Rush) when who should sit next to me, but a pretty young lady wearing a navy blue velvet blazer. Striking, because I had an almost identical article of clothing at home (operative word: “had”. Not “have”. And so what? It was 2006, everyone was doing it).

She managed to sit directly on top of my right coattail, something neither of us noticed until I adjusted myself (discreetly) and was violently stopped by virtue of her ass. She offered a perfunctory lean forward as I yanked on my coat. Not a word was spoken. It was at this moment that I thought of the utter uselessness of my right ear (the one facing her). You see, it doesn’t work- especially on noisy subways. So even if I started some sort of conversation I would have zero clue as to what she was saying. And that would be the beginning and end of it.

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I’m Breaking Up With You Because You Eat At Chipotle.

This isn’t about fighting the man. Yes, I am trying to get you to eat at one of the 50Madre and Padre burrito shacks in a 5 mile radius and yes, I do think that Chipotle is just another brick in the wall of conglomerate foods that are slowly destroying our appetites.  This is about Chipotle tasting like shit.

You don’t like to experiment when it comes to food; trying something new for you usually means switching the black beans for pinto beans and maybe giving the pork carnitas a second try. That was cute for a while, but I’m getting really tired of sour rice and a menu with fewer permutations than what to order at White Castle.  Did you know that toppings other than salsa exist? No, I’m not talking about that nasty vinaigrette that comes with the salad. There’s cactus, sliced avocado, and even a sauce that taste like chocolate. For a few dollars more you can even get seafood as the main ingredient. Then again, you think “fish is gross” and lump anything that came from the sea under your bad experience with trying a tuna fish sandwich in the elementary school cafeteria.

No, no, no. Don’t even try to drag Burger King into this. A whopper junior and onion rings costs $2. For that same $8 as chipotle I can get some homemade chorizo and we can eat our food off a real plate like real human-fucking-beings. In fact, we need to, because a real burrito place stuffs ‘em so tight, you need to eat them with a knife and fork.  That’s why you—

No! Don’t pick it up, it’s going to—God damn it. I’ll pay the extra money for the tip, and no, I don’t have to drop it into a soda cup between the registers.