I drew Bert. Maybe I’ll draw more Muppets later on. ALRIGHT!

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

(special thanks to Natalie Lewis for the suggestion)

Sante Geronimo Caserio

Target: Marie François Sadi Carnot, President of the French Third Republic (via stabbing to avenge his two Anarchist friends).

Jury’s Verdict: Very guilty. Sentenced to beheading in 1894.

Our Verdict: thank god a guillotine doesn’t cut the face lengthwise.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day (thanks to Pete D’Amato for the suggestion)

Mike Danton

Target: His gay lover. I think. But he might not be gay. But here at “Hot Piece of Assassins,” that’s fine if he’s gay. Really, we’re totally fine with it.

Jury’s Verdict: Pled guilty to a murder conspiracy. Might get an excess of 10 years.

Our Verdict: Offsides! Icing! Is he gay, really? Hat Trick! Power Play! Cross-Checking! God, that’s so upsetting. Hooking! Interference! I wonder if he’d switch teams for me. Slashing! Zamboni! Sudden Death! Penalty Shot!

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Jean Bastien-Thiry

Target: French president Charles de Gaulle (unsuccessful, but left 14 bullet holes in his car.)

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to death in 1963 by firing squad (he refused to be blindfolded. God what a man.)

Our Verdict: “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” is the only thing I can say in French. I feel like that would have been enough.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day: DOUBLE TROUBLE EDITION

Werner von Haeften & Count Claus von Stauffenberg

Target: Hitler!

“Jury’s” Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to death by firing squad.

Our Verdict: Their coup d’état was unsuccessful? Oh… hey, baby don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys. No, really, I’m not judging you, it’s totally fine. You’re just over-thinking it, it’s okay.

New Phil.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Rameau Sokoudjou (aka “The African Assassin”)

Target: Unworthy opponents.

Jury’s Verdict: Aaaaaaannndd… HE’S OUT COLD, FOLKS

Our Verdict: He’s photoshopped next to a lion. He. Is. Photoshopped. Next. To. A. Lion.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Fritz Joubert Duquesne

Target: He snuck onto a boat that Lord Kitchener (a British Field Marshall) was sailing on, and destroyed it. I repeat: he DESTROYED a BOAT.

Jury’s Verdict: He was awarded an iron cross for his services.

Our Verdict: Okay, can we talk about this for a second: he was a soldier, a prisoner of war, a big game hunter, a journalist, a stockbroker, a saboteur, a spy, an adventurer, a war correspondent, he once escaped from prison using only an iron spoon, his codename was “The Black Panther,” he used to charm daughters of high-ranking officials into getting him information, and he was hunted regularly by the FBI. Seriously? No, really, seriously?

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme

Target: President Gerald Ford (unsuccessful, the gun was loaded improperly. women.)

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Sentenced to life in prison in 1975.

Our Verdict: She’s still alive!!! GO FOR IT

PHIL COMICS.

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Giuseppe Zangara

Target: Franklin Delano Roosevelt (unsucessful due to lack of height… he was only 5 feet tall). Ended up fatally wounding Chicago mayor Anton Cermak instead.

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by electric chair in 1933.

Our Verdict: this Italian stallion gives New Meaning to “Old Sparky.”

“HOT PIECE OF ASSASSIN” of the day

Lewis Thornton Powell

Target: US Secretary of State William H. Seward (unsuccessful), and Lincoln co-conspirator.

Jury’s Verdict: Guilty. Imprisoned and sentenced to death by hanging in 1865

Our Verdict: meow.