Melge

A TEXT POST

An Open Letter to Mt. Everest

I write this as I finish, well as Akun (my Sherpa,) finishes the final check on our equipment. Moments from now, we will begin our ascent to the Day 1 base camp, our first step in conquering your peak and thus, defeating you.

You have been the center of my nightmares for years now, ever since you claimed the life of my father in early 1997, and now you are about to pay dearly. My father was trying to punish you for killing his father on one of the initial attempts at scaling you in 1936. My grandfather was a good family man, and you decided to blow him off the south face of the mountain without hesitation. Then, in some horrible déjà vu, you decided to cut my father off from rescue with snow storm after snow storm, slowly freezing him to death. Why must you single out my linage in your violent outbursts? What did we ever do to you?

A TEXT POST

My Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment

Kevin coined this story as my Curb Your Enthusiasm moment, and I think he is right, so I will coin it as such, but with one caveat. I have to first say that I CANNOT STAND CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. I don’t know what it is. I’ve honestly tried so many times to like the show, but in the end it’s just Larry David having an irrationally strong opinion about someone or something, and then whining a lot about it to an irrational extent, and then having a run-in with this current “nemises” or whatever challenges his opinion. Then, he ends up taking a lot of shit in the end for his opinions and ranting and when he tries to triumph over his opposition, he’s shit on by everyone. He should be. He’s a great comedian, but for some reason on this show he just constantly displays the only negative aspect of Woody Allen (he CAN be SOMETIMES, VERY SLIGHTLY annoying) and multiplies it by ten.

A TEXT POST

Dear Cannibal Steve #2

Dear Cannibal Steve,

I know you’ve probably gotten a lot of this… it’s just; I don’t know where to turn. I’m one of those millions of Americans who is about to lose my home to the mortgage crisis. I’ll admit, I took out a mortgage I couldn’t really afford, but I thought I’d find some way to manage… somehow. Anyway, I have a family to support, two little girls, and my career as an electrician just isn’t paying the bills. Should I go back to school? Can I risk it? Or am I just too late? I don’t want to end up renting some shitty house in the south side of town. Can you please help me?

- Gary

A TEXT POST

Please, Have a Piece!

Please, everyone, enjoy a piece of this delicious chocolate cake. If everything has gone according to my instructions, the cake (and this note), are sitting on the counter in the break room. Eat and be merry. I could not bring myself to personally deliver this homemade creation, but my loyal assistant, Brian, has taken care of everything. It’s my gift to all of you after a long, difficult, and dare I say stressful fiscal quarter. Just FYI, the frosting is chocolate buttermilk, so I apologize to those lactose intolerant individuals, like Mr. Graceson in accounting.

A TEXT POST

All “I” Can Eat

I suppose there isn’t a clear indicator, an elementary style grading system, which would have defined success or failure in this endeavor. A chorus of half drunken frat boys might chime in that I should have “eaten all the fucking ribs in the world.” A ridiculous notion but one which holds a certain heartfelt, “110%”, sense of failure when I came close to do no such thing. Any who…

“A Night on the Town,” read the invitation. A delusional evening set up by some old college buddies that I failed to avoid through a series of poorly thought out, and then dubiously interrogated lies. Fine. I’ll make it for dinner, and then leave the “wherever the wind takes us” portion of the night to those who still give a shit.

A TEXT POST

Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who brings up football, for like, 30 seconds.

1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.

If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.

If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”

2. If they bring up a team that seems to no longer be in the running to win the super bowl, you need to make several important moves.

A TEXT POST

Famous Last Words

Compiled with bleak! Comedy.

“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”

“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“

“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”

“Great! So we have a deal.”

“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”

“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”

“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”

A TEXT POST

Dear Cannibal Steve

Dear Cannibal Steve,

My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?

- Jane

A TEXT POST

Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.

However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.

Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of individual plots into one large grave, upon which we will place a shit load of soil.

This will save space and time. And that savings will be passed onto you.

A TEXT POST

Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never Actually Seen Them

THE SIMPSONS:
A sitcom about a family with jaundice, living in a town full of other people with jaundice. The town’s first black residents move in.

LOST:
A large foster family lives on a deserted island. They connect over their common pyschological issues and emotional baggage. Their foster parents are abusive….and mysterious.

MAD MEN:
A digitally remastered after school special series from the 60’s urging against the dangers of alcohol, teen pregnancy, and consumerism in a capitalist society.

A TEXT POST

Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On The Second Floor of a Double Decker Bus on My Way to Boston With my Slightly Higher Point of View

A single car driving into the distance, and credits beginning to roll, with Rusted Root’s “Send Me On My Way” playing in the background.

Indiana Jones jumping off a bridge and landing perfectly on top of the Penske truck in front of me right before it goes through an underpass.

Indiana Jones climbing to the side of the truck, knocking the gun out of the driver’s hand, stealing back a stolen artifact, and jumping into a mustang convertible driving at breakneck speed right beside the truck.

Several unmarked black cars surrounding one car and forcing it to take the next exit. If i knew what would happen next, I’d tell you, but they theoretically exited the highway, so I can’t. I’m sorry.

A TEXT POST

More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa… accusations have been flying ever since Rudy’s Bar & Grill burned down, and I think it is totally unfair to put ALL of the blame on my shoulders. Sure, a couple drunken college students may have seen me strike the match, but that’s blurry at best, and also, there is a lot more to fire than a spark.

As Billy Joel sang, ironically as stage caught on fire Thursday night, “We didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the world’s been turning” it wasn’t one person’s fault, you know? Now I’ll admit I did start the fire, the physical fire per say, but Rudy made a lot of enemies when he revoked the unlimited wings night. I mean, that was a tradition for all of us hard working “Joes” and “Janes” but no, one little bump in the road for the economy and he goes back to the ridiculous price of 39 cents per wing. More than one person had blood on their minds.

30th March 2011

An Open Letter to Mt. Everest

29th March 2011

My Curb Your Enthusiasm Moment

28th March 2011

Dear Cannibal Steve #2

24th March 2011

Please, Have a Piece!

16th March 2011

All “I” Can Eat

4th May 2010

Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who brings up football, for like, 30 seconds.

1st April 2010

Famous Last Words

24th March 2010

Dear Cannibal Steve

11th March 2010

Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

1st March 2010

Descriptions of TV Shows By Someone Who Has Never Actually Seen Them

19th February 2010

Things I Might See While Looking Out The Window On The Second Floor of a Double Decker Bus on My Way to Boston With my Slightly Higher Point of View

More Than One Person is Responsible for that Fire

Melge is: