Melge

A TEXT POST

An Open Letter to Mt. Everest

I write this as I finish, well as Akun (my Sherpa,) finishes the final check on our equipment. Moments from now, we will begin our ascent to the Day 1 base camp, our first step in conquering your peak and thus, defeating you.

You have been the center of my nightmares for years now, ever since you claimed the life of my father in early 1997, and now you are about to pay dearly. My father was trying to punish you for killing his father on one of the initial attempts at scaling you in 1936. My grandfather was a good family man, and you decided to blow him off the south face of the mountain without hesitation. Then, in some horrible déjà vu, you decided to cut my father off from rescue with snow storm after snow storm, slowly freezing him to death. Why must you single out my linage in your violent outbursts? What did we ever do to you?

A TEXT POST

Please, Have a Piece!

Please, everyone, enjoy a piece of this delicious chocolate cake. If everything has gone according to my instructions, the cake (and this note), are sitting on the counter in the break room. Eat and be merry. I could not bring myself to personally deliver this homemade creation, but my loyal assistant, Brian, has taken care of everything. It’s my gift to all of you after a long, difficult, and dare I say stressful fiscal quarter. Just FYI, the frosting is chocolate buttermilk, so I apologize to those lactose intolerant individuals, like Mr. Graceson in accounting.

A TEXT POST

Famous Last Words

Compiled with bleak! Comedy.

“Aw fuck, this fucking hang nail…”

“OOOh, here it is. Honey, you’ll never guess where I found the -“

“You can’t kill me, I guessed right!”

“Great! So we have a deal.”

“Oh man, I LOVE the Dollar Menu!”

“Hey, you’re Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!”

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have cancer.”

“Don’t worry, they always land on their feet.”

A TEXT POST

Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.

However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.

Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of individual plots into one large grave, upon which we will place a shit load of soil.

This will save space and time. And that savings will be passed onto you.

30th March 2011

An Open Letter to Mt. Everest

24th March 2011

Please, Have a Piece!

1st April 2010

Famous Last Words

11th March 2010

Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

Melge is: