Ways for a non-football fan to talk to someone who brings up football, for like, 30 seconds.

1. Any player they bring up, you need to decide if they seem positive or negatively inclined towards that player.

If positive – say that the “kid” has a lot of heart, and that he has really “shown up to play” this season.

If negative – say that the bum let the money go to his head, and that you have to “earn your place on the field, day in and day out.”

2. If they bring up a team that seems to no longer be in the running to win the super bowl, you need to make several important moves.

A. If you think they like this team, explain that this year was a “rebuilding year” and that “they know exactly what they need to do next season.”

B. If they keep mentioning Coach “——” in an angry mood, say how Coach “——” doesn’t have the drive anymore, “he’s not hungry” and that we need to bring in someone young, someone like … (let them finish your sentence.)

C. Just get angry, frustrated, and disappointed with the team they mention, but do the succession of emotions very quickly. The transition between them doesn’t have to make sense. Also, don’t finish your sentences; you’re too “upset” after all.

3. Finally, and this is rare, if the individual is happy about a team’s situation, you have two distinct choices.

You also are happy – in this choice, you agree that they’ve really pulled themselves together this year. All the pieces of the puzzle fit, everyone is gelling, and the coach really has a good sense of his players. Any of these will work. Frankly, you could just nod your head. Happy fans will be glad to hear themselves talk.

You are not happy – This is risky, but it may pay dividends in the end. Football fans never respect the obvious victor. Even winning fans hate themselves in a sick Hamlet type situation. So you may want to explain that while you respect (insert team name) you just can’t like them. They are too cold, distant, too far from their roots, or separated from their fans. You want a “team of human beings” not some “robotic football overlords.”