Dear Cannibal Steve

Dear Cannibal Steve,

My mom is just impossible! I hate her! Look, it’s just like, she doesn’t get me. I’m 17 now and she can’t control my life. I mean I’m not unreasonable here, I just want to be able to stay out past 11 on weekend nights. None of my friends, not Sarah, not Melissa, nobody has a curfew that harsh. And every time I try to talk to her about it, My mom is just like “You’re only 17, you don’t need to be out partying all night.” I’M NOT EVEN DOING THAT! GOD! Can you help me please?

-        Jane

Jane:

First off, you have to understand that your growing up is hard for your mom to deal with too. She’s spent 17 years raising you and now all you want to do is spend time outside the house. So here is my advice… spend some quality time with her. Show her that you care about her feelings. Take her out to a movie, buy the tickets, the popcorn, and become that mature kid that can stay out late. Then, while she’s enjoying the film, basking in your new found connection, smash her head with a lead pipe, take out her brain with your bare hands, and then take a bite… in order to consume her soul. It’s as simple as that.

-        Steve the “Cannibal”