Dear Family Members of Carlwood Cemetery

I’m writing to you because you have a family member or friend buried within our hallowed grounds. We here at Carlwood honor and respect you’re difficult loss.

However, times change, and we have decided to shift some things around.

Let’s not kid ourselves; single graves are a huge waste of space. Not to mention a hell of an eye sore. Our plan is to transport all of the remains from the thousands of individual plots into one large grave, upon which we will place a shit load of soil.

This will save space and time. And that savings will be passed onto you.

Now, some people, especially the elderly members of our board of directors, have voiced concern over this proposition. They claim this would be a “crime against God” and would “draw comparisons to mass graves from the holocaust.” But I think you’ll agree they are just being dramatic.

I think we can also all give up this charade about people having souls.

I mean COMEEEE ONNNN.

A misty mass which embodies your essence and mind and goes to up to heaven and such…Jesus, let it go.

It’s 2009 for “god’s” sake. Grow up.

“Aunt Julie” or “Grandma Mary” are just decomposing corpses. Flesh and bone. Headstones and flowers are just delusional.

One big grave, covered in nice Kentucky Blue Grass will make a beautiful picnic spot, replacing our old gloomy graveyard.

So, please respond with a Yes or No on Proposition 1 asap.

-Harry Larson